Dear readers, I decided to post an email that I wrote to my mother, sharing with her my innermost thoughts about growing up and dealing with failures. This just shows how much I love my mother and I can talk to her about anything at all. I honestly think that having a mother like her is one of life's greatest rewards. This post is dedicated to you, ma. I love you.
Dear Mum,
Thank you for sharing the inspiring story with me. If there's one thing i learnt from life, it's that the world owes me nothing. I've always had things the hard way and slowly i'm learning to accept life as it is and try to see God's hands in everything. I know that there are many people far worse off than me and that i am considered lucky by many standards. But that should not be the reason for me to be accepting of life. I believe acceptance must come from within for it to be genuine and real, not because of others' fate. Last night I couldn't sleep properly. I was thinking about my 20 years of life on this earth and whether i have done one single thing that i am truly proud of. I asked myself that if God were to come to me right now and take me away, what would be my greatest regret? I think it would be that I have not given enough love to the world, to my family, friends and to God. I thought about how your sacrifice for the family is the greatest love you could give to someone other than yourself, and that makes your existence worthwhile and I somehow understood it when you told me that the only regret you would have if you were to die is worrying about the kids. I envy you. All this while i tried so hard to excel in my studies in hopes of winning a full scholarship to study in a reputable university abroad. But what have i done for God? Nothing. I really think i should prioritize and spend my time doing things that truly matter, and that which is eternal.
Sorry for the emo rantings but i just couldn't help thinking about all this after reading your message. I can understand the young man's decision and i respect him for that, much more than those who would be willing to give up anything just to go abroad. I felt a pang of guilt when you told me over the phone about the young lady who wrote her heart out in her Harvard's essay. I should've listen to my heart. My original personal statement is about how i shouted at you during an argument and in a surge of emotion called you a mad woman. I wrote about how i failed in many things during the course of my life, but failing as a son was perhaps the gravest failure of all. I poured my heart out into the essay but then i was afraid it wouldn't be a "good" college essay because to be honest, i don't know what a good college essay is. Looking back i guess i should've listened to my heart and lay myself bare in front of the admissions committee. It could've been a truly personal and moving essay. But then again, I don't want to dwell on past regrets. For now, I'll handle whatever comes my way with an open mind and with an open heart. Like you once said(many, many times), "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I'm not afraid of the future, not anymore.
With lots of love,
Daniel.
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