The ups and downs of a teenage boy

Hang in there

2010-04-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

I realised that even if i write FML a million times, nothing's gonna change. Life's such a bitch to me. But my mum keeps telling me to see things in perspective. I have to study for my IB's like asap!! it doesn't help that i failed my mocks....Will i make it? I seriously doubt it. I used to be able to trust God in EVERYTHING but now, i just feel helpless. Lord, what should i do? what can i do? I am determined to just finish revising all of my syllabus, do one or two past year papers and face the exams with courage! I wanna be able to look up at the Caribbean blue sky and smile:)

FML

2010-04-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FM FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML FML !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dartmouth 2014

2010-04-03T21:41:00.000-07:00

I got into dartmouth.........................

Still in a daze....

Is this really happening to me??

admission result 1

2010-03-15T09:51:00.000-07:00

got into colorado college class of 2014!! woohoo!!

Resolution

2010-03-04T01:27:00.000-08:00

Done. Yes, I'm done. finally, I'm finally done with all the work. I...i.........i.....just......need..................to..................sleep. Yes. Sleep.

The Nibelungenlied

2010-02-14T23:12:00.000-08:00

It's the season of dragon slaying! Three dragons to slay: EE, WR IA and STWL. I'll show no mercy!!! Wish me luck guys!

Light at the end of the tunnel

2010-02-13T01:59:00.000-08:00

Workloads are insane at this point of time. In order to meet the Feb 25th deadline, us second years have to wrap up our 4000 words long Extended Essay, which, sad to say, I haven't started, World lit, IA's, etc. I'm going crazy trying to finish all of this. I don't want to flunk my IB after all:(

Repentence

2010-02-04T01:12:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry.

For letting you down.

Over and over again.

For the false promises...

Which were never kept.

Why am I like this?

Oh Lord,

How you must've cried

At my mistake,

My sin!

Oh,

How I have sinned against you!

Like a slap in the face,

I did it in front of you.

Mocking you,

Like they did in

Sodom and Gomorrah.

5 times!

In your face!!

Lord,

How I failed you,

How I failed all those around me

My mother,

who trusted me

who prayed for me

How could I?

I know that I'm not born into this,

It's my choice to sin.

Again and again,

I fall into Satan's traps

They say God hates the sin, not the sinner.

Will you forgive me?

Just once more?

I'll turn away from sin,

Try with every ounce of strength and righteousness I have left

I will rise from the ashes,

I will bring you glory and honor,

I will choose to live right,

I repent.

Life

2010-01-25T05:02:00.000-08:00

Dear readers, I decided to post an email that I wrote to my mother, sharing with her my innermost thoughts about growing up and dealing with failures. This just shows how much I love my mother and I can talk to her about anything at all. I honestly think that having a mother like her is one of life's greatest rewards. This post is dedicated to you, ma. I love you.

Dear Mum,

Thank you for sharing the inspiring story with me. If there's one thing i learnt from life, it's that the world owes me nothing. I've always had things the hard way and slowly i'm learning to accept life as it is and try to see God's hands in everything. I know that there are many people far worse off than me and that i am considered lucky by many standards. But that should not be the reason for me to be accepting of life. I believe acceptance must come from within for it to be genuine and real, not because of others' fate. Last night I couldn't sleep properly. I was thinking about my 20 years of life on this earth and whether i have done one single thing that i am truly proud of. I asked myself that if God were to come to me right now and take me away, what would be my greatest regret? I think it would be that I have not given enough love to the world, to my family, friends and to God. I thought about how your sacrifice for the family is the greatest love you could give to someone other than yourself, and that makes your existence worthwhile and I somehow understood it when you told me that the only regret you would have if you were to die is worrying about the kids. I envy you. All this while i tried so hard to excel in my studies in hopes of winning a full scholarship to study in a reputable university abroad. But what have i done for God? Nothing. I really think i should prioritize and spend my time doing things that truly matter, and that which is eternal.

Sorry for the emo rantings but i just couldn't help thinking about all this after reading your message. I can understand the young man's decision and i respect him for that, much more than those who would be willing to give up anything just to go abroad. I felt a pang of guilt when you told me over the phone about the young lady who wrote her heart out in her Harvard's essay. I should've listen to my heart. My original personal statement is about how i shouted at you during an argument and in a surge of emotion called you a mad woman. I wrote about how i failed in many things during the course of my life, but failing as a son was perhaps the gravest failure of all. I poured my heart out into the essay but then i was afraid it wouldn't be a "good" college essay because to be honest, i don't know what a good college essay is. Looking back i guess i should've listened to my heart and lay myself bare in front of the admissions committee. It could've been a truly personal and moving essay. But then again, I don't want to dwell on past regrets. For now, I'll handle whatever comes my way with an open mind and with an open heart. Like you once said(many, many times), "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". I'm not afraid of the future, not anymore.

With lots of love,

Daniel.

A New Beginning

2010-01-08T09:06:00.000-08:00

I arrived at 2pm. As i enter the gates of MUWCI, i realised that this will be my final term here. I felt sad and gad at the same time. Sad because i won't be seeing more than half of the students here ever again; glad because i won't have to suffer living on top of a hill in the middle of nowhere. After a year and a half in MUWCI, i realised that diversity in MUWCI is overstated. You could throw me in the middle of Bangalore and i'd be able to experience greater diversity there. I guess it's partially due to the small number of students on campus.

I'm still recovering from the hangover. Last night was amazing. Pramodh and i drank vodka, beer and had awesome food for dinner. It was one of those chilled guys time out. I'll miss these times when school starts. Talking about school, i just realised i have so much to do in such a short period of time. Seniors always say that the final term is the most relaxed but they're gravely mistaken. I have so many deadlines to meet, so many tests to prepare for, so many assignments yet to be completed and of course the dreaded IB exams!

I have grown so much in these past 2 weeks. I guess it is true that the more you travel, the faster you grow. I experienced growth in thoughts, actions and of course, height:)

Life can be so cruel sometimes. At times of stress and disappointment, i feel as if the wind has been knocked out of me and i lay on my bed gasping for air. Mind you, i don't have asthma. The fear envelopes me-fear of failure, fear of disappointment, fear of not being able to achieve my goals. But i don't want to live in fear. I want to embrace life's challenges and face each day with a positive attitude. I know i have it within me to succeed. All i need to do is believe.

New Year Resolution

2010-01-01T12:38:00.000-08:00

2009 has been an eventful year for me. It was a year full of obstacles and failure. I truly felt that i failed at a great many things. I lost count of the expectations that were never achieved, laundry list of goals that serve more of a decoration. I did not achieve much in 2009 but hopefully this will change in 2010.

The year 2010 shall be an exciting year, mainly because of the college application results. I cannot imagine where i'll end up in a short span of 8 months. The thought of it scares me. It just shows that i have no control whatsoever over my life. Sigh...Life? Some people say I don't even have a life. I spend a lot of time working on projects, writing Assessments; basically, i spent too much time working. Most of the time i just forget to have fun. I really don't want to look back a year from now with a heart full of regret at not spending more time with people who matter. I only have one chance in this entire lifetime to experience the UWC Experience. I don't want it to slip away just like that.

So, what's my New Year's resolution? Only one-To treasure my time here while i can. Of course don't slack off la. Must maintain my grades and do well in the IB also:P

It's been a long time since i last blog. Would like to apologize to all my readers for this lack of enthusiasm. Now there's a good new year's resolution: Blog more often! lolx.

Well, feeling kinda tired now. As you'd have noticed from the short and brief sentences towards the end of this post.

Here's a toast to a better, brighter and awesomer 2010!

Leaving on a jetplane

2009-08-12T08:37:00.000-07:00

Since 11pm I've been wandering aimlessly around the house like an apparition, going into the kitchen, pass by the living room, cross the front porch and then stare at the moon in my garden... I guess it's because I don't want to leave home. I am reluctant to abandon the comfort and coziness and warmth of mi casa for the unpredictable life at MUWCI.

Well, all my packing's done. Right now I'm just physically and emotionally drained. Separation sucks. I'm really not in the mood for words right now. Wished I have that special someone whom I can share all my thoughts and feelings with(which includes a lot of physical interaction and pleasure-filled moaning)

Here's a poem which sums up my feelings at this moment:

It's dark
Pitch black.
Hand's are cold.
Heartbeat racing.
A light emerge
faintly.
Reach out to touch it
Right food forward
Then left.
Mechanically.
Eyes dead set
The Light
Never out of sight
Always ahead

It's nearer
Both hands reaching out.
Footsteps swift
Stilled breathing
Gritted teeth
Lurch forward.
Away from
The damp black
Never looking back.

Reminiscence

2009-08-10T07:54:00.000-07:00

Let's face it. I have 2 more days left before flying off to India. Gosh, I am really going to miss home and my family. These past 2 months has been an eclectic mix of comfort, joy, anticipation and disappointment. Overall I am satisfied. I mean, I met up with friends, teachers, got some work done, slept like a babe, traveled to a few places, ate like a pig(OMG, Malaysian food is sinfully irresistible!!), read a few good books, volunteered(though the experience was less than what I'd expected), spent mornings talking to my mum heart-to-heart(those were highlights of my day), fed my dogs(I always love to see them dogs jumping all over me for food), watched the latest season of GG, Grey's Anatomy, Ghost Whisperer, and Heroes. Life's good...indeed.

At the same time, I'm really curious about how my future is going to turn out in a years' time. I'd know which college I'd be heading to, how I fare in my IB's and SAT's, the list goes on and on. Or, even better, whether I'd find true love(I know at least half of you would be jeering at me right now but yes, I DO believe in true love and fairy tales). I'm almost done with my packing and summer work...though the latter is a gross overstatement.

I'm easily prone to home-sickness so I decided to take loads of pictures of my room and house so that whenever I miss home, besides calling home, I would be able to peruse the photos and hopefully, ease some of the agonizing pain, however miniscule.
A view from my room window

Ahh..one of my favourite place of the house- my study desk!

View from the backyard

Abandoned rubber estate at the back of my house

Banana trees!
Can you spot the papaya tree?

Tiny garden

Study room/bedroom

Office room
Kitchen

Kennel
This is Easter..isn't she adorable?

The guard dog Becki. She nearly attack Soon Hoe theother day. Thank God the gate was locked. Otherwise....

Sunset at the front porch

It's getting late now. And I'm getting sleepy. I should go do some last minute packing before hitting the sack. Adieu

New Blog

2009-08-09T10:13:00.000-07:00

I really don't think I have the commitment to maintain a blog but a good friend of mine(Hi, Lyn!) urged me to start a new blog so that my friends would be able to keep up to date about my whereabouts. It is ironic for me to start a new blog when summer's just about to end. Bad timing i suppose. Anyhow, it's getting late now. Will stop my pointless ramblings and start blogging tomorrow morning.